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A Kodak Moment [Oct. 8th, 2010|09:07 pm]
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I left work early today - I had barely put in two hours before my stomach started feeling queasy and my head was began to throb like it does before I get a migraine. A no-brainer to go home, but still I felt bad.

As I lay in my bed trying to utilize the whole "mind over matter" thing, I told myself to think back and remember one of the happiest days of my life. This is what came to mind.

I was at Chub Lake in Carlton, Minnesota - a little farming community just outside the town in which I lived, which wasn't much bigger, but I thought it was big-city in comparison! My four kids and I were ecstatic, playing in the water and splashing each other and I believe I did not have a care in the world - except maybe that my hair didn't get entirely wet as I remember feeling like I looked damn good that day!

Yasmina looked so pretty and she had even let me braid her hair - something that was happening less and less the older she got. I was always really fussy about her hair. I always remembered when I was little, that my mother never had time to fix mine (four kids and three of them girls) and I felt bad that it was always loose and unkempt - compared to the other girls my age. I suppose that's why I was always so intent that Yasmina always had her hair up and the same with Amelia all these years later.

But back to my memory - it was such beautiful day! The sun was warm and bright and I had slathered my kids with water-proof sunscreen and I teased them that they looked like greased little piglets! Mathew grinned at me and asked if they were piglets, what was I? I remember thinking he was always a step ahead of me and too smart for his own good! I probably told him as much too, now that I think about it. Mychal's fair skin showed the outline of the little tank tops I always put him in - he and Jeren were almost always dressed alike - nowadays they dress completely opposite!

My littlest boys were babies still, but they were having so much fun - and Jeren would start to scream if he thought I was going to remove him from the water! Mychal characteristally just enjoyed himself and didn't utter a word, but I could see by his face that he was as much in seventh heaven as I was.

We played and we played and I was just as much a kid as all of they were. I had always loved the water even though I was secretly afraid of drowning in it; and even though I made sure we didn't stray too far from the shore, I still felt like I was in the middle of the big deep ocean that surrounded Puerto Rico.

It was a glorious day, and we were all wrinkled by the time we returned to shore and our awaiting picnic lunch. We had bologna and ham sandwiches, chips, dip and oreo cookies - Mathew's choice of menu - he had gotten to pick that day and was he ever proud of it! We huddled together in towels and hungrily munched down our feast before going back for just a little longer and then calling it a day.

Like always, I brought my camera that afternoon, but I was having too much fun to think about pictures. However, a lady who saw us playing together in the water commented that it would make for a good photo to put in an album, so I quickly motioned to our blanket and pointed out my camera. And look! It really was a Kodak moment, and one I will never forget and I am forever grateful to the kind person who offered to preserve it for me.

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Birthday wishes [Sep. 28th, 2010|11:03 pm]
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Tomorrow's my birthday. Well technically in an hour or so it'll be my birthday. I should be happy, but I've been thinking about Cookie and how much I miss her all day long. I've gotten the feeling several times today that she's been with me - unexplained things have happened that don't make sense unless you believe in the possiblility that she just might be right there. And maybe she is, but if so, I wish she'd let me see her for a second or two - or even long enough for me to tell her how much I love and miss her.

Maybe she'll come to me in my dreams - that's what she said she'd do in her goodbye note. If you get wishes for your birthday, I know what mine would be.



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Girls Night-OUTSIDE [Sep. 27th, 2010|11:20 pm]
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It's Monday evening and I really have so much to do, but couldn't resist taking some time to write in my journal. I spent last weekend in Cloquet and it was so nice to hook up with my group of girls again. I say girls because, really, that's what we are when we're together. We giggle and laugh *at* each other and *with* each other - we tease and share secrets together, and we advise each other on everything under the sun, many times when it's not even requested! :) Sometimes we even cry together and no matter what, if one of us isn't there, another one surely will be. That's friendship and lucky for me, I have these three girls - one of them is my sister, and the other two are like sisters. We even fight like sisters, truth be told!


So that's what I did this weekend and as usual, there were lots of stories to tell. Paula's mom is really sick, and so is her sister-in-law. That was really sad news to hear. Sharon's been going on lots of dates from an online dating service, but so far that "special" guy has eluded her. Denise hasn't found a job after being laid-0ff from the one she had for many years, but we all told her to relax and enjoy being home because she probably won't be for long. And me - well I told everyone about our impending move and what led up to it and how we're dealing with the repercussions.


The get-together was a celebration of sorts since our birthday's all fall within a three-month timeframe. We went out for dinner and drinks and then went to Denise's house where we sat around a bonfire for literally hours before coming in for birthday cake and then bundling up for more bonfire fun! It was nearly 5 a.m. before we finally called it a night! So much fun and I can't wait to do it again!





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Morning ordeals [Sep. 25th, 2010|09:55 am]
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[Current Mood |crankycranky]


This isn’t turning out to be a good weekend at all. It started out with a 2 p.m. phone call from Ira, telling me that most of southern Minnesota was flooded – people were stranded, phone service was down and no one could get in or out,  and sorry, but I was busy and at first, selfishly I admit, I wasn’t all that concerned about what was going on anywhere else but at my desk where I had another problem to deal with. With a loud sigh and gritted teeth I tried to ask him in my nicest voice what this turn of events had to do with me.

Ira knows me pretty good and I could tell he was irritated as he informed me it meant that we wouldn’t be getting Amelia this weekend because unless we had a boat, nothing was getting through to her grandmother’s house, where she just happened to have spent the night. 

NOW this had to do with me, and NOW I could put aside my problem – I guess it wasn’t that big anyway – and Now I would have to deal with us not having our little girl like we expected – like we do every weekend – except Christmas and Easter and that doesn’t have anything to do with anything right now anyway, so forget I even said it! This wasn’t good news. This, was in fact very bad news because I had a weekend planned for us and she is the main thing we wait all week long to enjoy.

It wasn’t the only bad thing I had to deal with. Last Sunday Anabelle bumped me in the head and I thought I was going to pass out. But as bad as the initial shock, surprise and pain that was, it was nothing compared to the incredible ordeal I would deal with in the days to follow. Huge sores appeared where my teeth had been jammed into the inside of my lip and they went the length of my mouth, hurting when I talked, smiled or even opened my mouth to do anything! I spent the entire week reading and asking about home remedies, and every day since, I’ve tried salt, baking soda, Listerine and peroxide, not to mention all the products that CVS sells and that don’t work any better! The throbbing pain that has continued for the past six days, mind you, causes me to have migraines and I have been in the most miserable mood you can imagine. Not like me at all!

And today – Amelia and I were to go to Cloquet for a girlfriend slumber party with Paula, Denise, Noah and Sharon – a birthday get-together because we let the summer go by and none of us celebrated together like we had planned. So I’m not sure – do I go, despite the pain that I’m in or do I tell everyone we need to re-plan because what fun can I have when I can barely talk anyway? Then again, it's not like it's all about me either! Would let a few people down.  :(

Morning ordeals. Ya gotta love em.


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Sunday morning [Aug. 15th, 2010|08:50 am]
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[Current Mood |complacentcomplacent]

"Well, I woke up Sunday morning With no way to hold my head that didn't hurt. And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad, So I had one more for dessert. Then I fumbled in my closet through my clothes and found my cleanest dirty shirt. Then I washed my face and combed my hair And stumbled down the stairs to meet the day." ~ Kris Kristofferson, 1969

I woke up this morning to a splitting headache, and I knew if I didn't do something immediately it would morph into a migraine. Lucky me - the moment I woke up Ira to tell him about it, he raced to get me my pills, something to swallow them with, and grabbed one of those headache strips I'm always raving about, and which I immediately applied. Thank God the combination of everything worked and within an hour my headache was already starting to numb somewhat.

It could have really ruined my day had he not sprung into action like he did. I have to remember to thank him profusely when he wakes up again.

So here I sit on a now quiet Sunday morning, with the only sound being the overhead fan and Anabelle's occasional snores - yes, my dear Saint snores and the soft sounds are quite dainty like her - not at all like the loud, overbearing noises that Ira sometimes emits!  I never hear them if I go to sleep before him, but if I'm unfortunate enough to get to bed later, I am risking a chance that they'll keep me up for hours!

Today I'm going to the eye doctor and ordering some new glasses. Much overdue and I'm excited. I'm trying to decide whether to get contacts or prescription sunglasses as well - benefits to both I guess and don't want to spend the money on all three. Then Amelia and I are shopping for a first day of school outfit.... I'm thinking Gap or Justice - her two favorite shops...  unless we find something new and exciting. Maybe a trip to the Mall of America would be fun for her... Have to see how much time we have.

My dear new friend Lori has agreed to make a quilt for Scarlett - and I'm so excited. Jas rarely gives me a chance to see her, and one night this idea came to me. If I could give my little granddaughter a blanket, my love would in a way, keep her warm, or maybe even comfort her on cold, winter nights. It would be almost like I was there in person. My friend is doing me the greatest favor because I know she's so talented and she's so intuitive about all of her works, that  the blanket will be unbelievably beautiful and perfect for Scarlett. I hope with all my heart that someday I can do something as important for her, as she is doing for me.

Josh, Nikole and the babies had dinner with us yesterday. We ordered pizza from Hearthside - my favorite pizza place - but I still wasn't fully recovered enough to have more than one piece of it. This damn bug just won't go away! The kids were so cute as usual and I was so happy to see that the outfits I got them will fit perfectly. Nikole seemed to like them and of course that made me feel so good. :)  Hayden is nearly walking - it looks like his crawling stage will be short-lived! That child is always smiling and his face is like that of an angel. Malaya has of course been walking awhile and I was surprised at her vocabulary. She is completely adorable and just as beautiful as her brother.

I'm so proud of them. Nikole starts college in a few weeks and Josh is getting lots of business doing car repairs now that he has business cards to hand out. I just ordered him 1,000 more today because he's gone through the 500 we got him a month or so ago - I hope Ira doesn't get mad about that - he usually doesn't question what I buy. I know things are hard for them - they're so young and I keep telling them to hang in there and they'll get through the rough patches if they work together. How I wish someone would have encourage me when I was their age - not that I regret my life now - I just regret that it's in so many different pieces with regards to my kids. I have to believe that somehow there must be a purpose in all of this. Still.... I keep reminding Josh and Nikole they don't want to chose my road. ;) 

Josh's mom has started talking to him again. He's been doing car repairs for her, and I hope that's not her only reasons for suddenly paying attention to him, but I didn't tell him that of course. I keep reassuring him that she'll come around - God I hope I'm right - it's good that he has me, but he really needs her. All kids deep down need their parents..... hmmm, funny.......  even as I say/think that I cannot help but add... ...  "cept mine of course!".

On another note - Ira's business is doing great - better and better every day. I'm really proud of him too.
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Argh! [Aug. 14th, 2010|01:35 am]
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Another sleepless night! Sometimes this gets old! Still suffering through whatever bug is bothering me and I hope I start feeling better soon. Seems like everyone I talk to knows someone who's experienced the same thing and says it takes about a week to get rid of it. If that's true, and that's what I've got, I should be rid of it any day now. ::crosses fingers:: 

On another note - been listening to the Twilight books on my ITouch since all I feel like doing is laying around. Can easily see why they're so popular - the movies don't quite do justice to the actual books, although before listening to them I thought the movies were pretty great.

Mmmmm... Edward Cullen.... ;)
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Maybe I know [Aug. 11th, 2010|10:44 pm]
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I'm not sure why I'm having such a hard time updating my blog lately. I've been busy, but no more than usual - I've been sick - but that's never stopped me before... . Maybe I'm in a funk because it's August, and August is always a hard month for me.

I remember my last words to Cookie. They were, "I'll see you in an few days Cookie. I'll cook you a nice dinner and you'll get your bubble-butt back." And then I told her that I loved her before saying goodbye.

I never did see my sister again - alive that is, and I would never cook for her the dinner she'd always rant and rave about. In fact, nothing in my life would ever be the same, and there is no way I could have ever, in my wildest dreams, have forseen what was to come.

The next time I would see my dear sister's face again, would be peering into a pink, silk-lined casket, carefully (and lovingly) picked out by my parents. And truth be told, if you had asked me, then, or even now, I couldn't have told you unequivically that the body I was looking at, belonged to that of my beloved sister. But in retrospect, I suppose that single bullet to her head would have changed her beautiful face, wouldn't it?

And still, perhaps that's one reason it's been so hard to come to terms with her death - even after all this time. And maybe deep down, I have never believed it could have been her, despite the improbable - impossible odds, that it could have been anyone else.

Only someone who's experienced the same could understand the gamut of emotions that run through one's mind and the need to find reasons or the frustration of when you don't. I know that. In my head I know that, but in my heart, I cannot possibly get past my pain, and my tears to fully try to understand it in any other way.

So anyway, it's August and I've had a hard time updating my blog. But the more that I think about it, maybe I do know the reason after all.




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Pink Slips and Pink Slips [Jul. 27th, 2010|09:10 pm]
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[Current Mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

Pink SlipsI was thinking today that being laid off is like going through a bad breakup. There are sensitive ways to handle this kind of a loss, just like there are selfish and insensitive. I was also thinking that I have been through both types and in both cases.

Take my last job – actually you could, but seriously, you wouldn't want it! For eight years I was in denial - looking at everything through rose-colored glasses and thinking I was in the best place possible. Oh sure - I had heard my share of horror stories during my time there- but that was from the "ex's" -  ex employees who were bitter and more than happy to share the gory details of their past mistakes and how they were wronged.  But I thought I was different and if I proved myself to be loyal, it would never happen to me. Sound familiar?

Now, it's not the actual laying off, or the break-up that I have a problem with. When a situation causes a change in the relationship, sometimes it just can’t be helped. I mean, after all, economies change and so do people. But to callously cast someone aside like last week's newspaper with no thought as to their feelings, is pretty dispicable. I know that happens a lot. Any time you've given a part of yourself to someone or something - whether it be your time and devotion and/or your heart and your soul, it should count, and it should be of some worth, or importance.

At first you’re in a daze - walking in a dream-like state because it feels like you are in a dream.  When the reality of the situation suddenly hits you, often times depression sets in. There are the days that you can't even get out of bed. You intended to, but you threw on a slip and that's as far as you got.  And tears, from where ever they come, hurt the same - and the shame and loneliness that often follows can go on for months - years in some cases. Because how can you feel you really matter, when obviously, when it was so obvious you didn't.

Then, as if enough wasn't enough - some people turn to food for solace - or to pass the time – either is just as damaging. And now your problem just got bigger, because who would choose an overweight candidate over a trim and confident person who looks like they have the world by the tail?

Finally the day will come that you know you’ve suffered enough and it’s time to move on. You package your pain and you put it away, wiser, knowing you have joined the ranks of those who’ve learned the same lessons before you.

So yes, layoff's and breakups - I've been through them both, and trust me - in the end - and in most cases, you will eventually find something, or someone that was better than what got left behind.


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I've started posting again [Jul. 21st, 2010|08:32 pm]
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And I wonder how many of you are still here, and that still post. I feel bad that I left you all behind - not a very good friend - I should have checked on you more.

I'll try to fix that as soon as I can.

In the meantime, I'm doing fine - relatively so I guess, and am curious about all of you!

Take care and I'll see you soon!    S.
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Moving! [Mar. 9th, 2008|10:54 pm]
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I'm not sure how often I'll be posting on here, but I promise to keep checking in on everyone. My new blog is located at: http://shirliana.com/blog/ and my home page is http://www.shirliana.com.

Come see me some time!
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